How to Win Friends and Influence People
Carnegie, Dale. How to Win Friends and Influence People. GENERAL PRESS, 2018. Kindle file.
How This Book Was Written—and Why
Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face, especially if you are in business.
John D. Rockefeller said, “the ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee. And I will pay more for that ability than for any other under the sun.”
Nine Suggestions on How to Get the Most Out of This Book
Bernard Shaw once remarked: “If you teach a man anything, he will never learn.”
Learning is an active process. We learn by doing.
Part One: Fundamental Techniques In Handling People
Chapter 1: If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive
ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.
Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.
The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned.
There you are, human nature in action, wrongdoers, blaming everybody but themselves. We are all like that.
Let’s realize that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home.
Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return;
That was the most lurid personal incident in Lincoln’s life. It taught him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing with people. Never again did he write an insulting letter. Never again did he ridicule anyone.
“Judge not, that ye be not judged.”
“Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”
sharp criticisms and rebukes almost invariably end in futility.
“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,” said Confucius, “When your own doorstep is unclean.”
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
The secret of his success? “I will speak ill of no man,” he said, “… and speak all the good I know of everybody.”
“A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “by the way he treats little men.”
FATHER FORGETS W. Livingston Larned
The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding—this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that
I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.
I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!
tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: “He is nothing but a boy—a little boy!” I am afraid I have visualized you as a man.
Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.”
Principle 1 Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Chapter 2: The Big Secret of Dealing with People
There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything.
making the other person want to do it.
The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want.
Sigmund Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great.
Dr. Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.”
seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls “the desire to be great.” It is what Dewey calls the “desire to be important.”
William James said: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals.
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”
on his tombstone.
wrote an epitaph for himself which read: “Here lies one who knew how to get around him men who were cleverer than himself:”
In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else.
The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere.
General Alvaro Obregon
“Don’t be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.”
When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves.
Nothing pleases children more than this kind of parental interest and approval.
Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for.
“I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”
forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation.
Principle 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Chapter 3: He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way
I often went fishing up in Maine during the summer. Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I didn’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said: “Wouldn’t you like to have that?” Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?
we are interested in what we want. So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
If, for example, you don’t want your children to smoke, don’t preach at them, and don’t talk about what you want; but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team
Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.
the only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants.
“If there is any one secret of success,” said Henry Ford, “it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
Charles Schwab’s injunction: “he was hearty in his approbation and lavish in his praise.”
Principle 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Part Two: Six Ways to Make People Like You
Chapter 1: Do this and You’ll be Welcome Anywhere
a dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work for a living?
a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves—
“If the author doesn’t like people,” he said, “people won’t like his or her stories.”
you have to be interested in people if you want to be a successful writer of stories.”
More than 60 million people had paid admission to his show,
He told me that every time he went on stage he said to himself: “I am grateful because these people come to see me;
He declared he never stepped in front of the footlights without first saying to himself over and over: “I love my audience. I love my audience.”
If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.
Principle 1 Become genuinely interested in other people.
Chapter 2: A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression
the expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back.
one of the most delightful factors in his personality was his captivating smile.
Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you—you make me happy. I am glad to see you.”
“People who smile,” he said, “tend to manage teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment.”
You don’t feel like smiling?
Two things. First, force yourself to smile.
Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.
philosopher William James put it: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.” “Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there…”
Everybody in the world is seeking happiness—and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.
“There is nothing either good or bad,” said Shakespeare, “but thinking makes it so.”
Abraham Lincoln once remarked that “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
The ancient Chinese
had a proverb
“A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.”
Principle 2 Smile.
Chapter 3: If You Don’t Do This, You Are Headed For Trouble
I once interviewed Jim Farley
He then asked me what I thought was the reason for his success. I replied: “I understand you can call ten thousand people by their first names.” “No. You are wrong, “he said. “I can call fifty thousand people by their first names.”
he built up a system for remembering names.
Whenever he met a new acquaintance, he found out his or her complete name and some facts about his or her family, business and political opinions.
politician learns is this: “To recall a voter’s name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion.”
Principle 3 Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Chapter 4: An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist
listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone.
Jack Woodford in Strangers in Love, “few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention.”
Listening is just as important in one’s home life as in the world of business.
Isaac F. Marcosson,
declared that many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don’t listen attentively. “They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open… Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.”
if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
Principle 4 Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Chapter 5: How to Interest People
Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested.
He talked in terms of what interested the other man.
Principle 5 Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Chapter 6: How to Make People like You Instantly
There is one all-important law of human conduct.
Always make the other person feel important.
the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature;
it is this urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself.
How? When? Where? The answer is: All the time, everywhere.
“I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to—?” “Won’t you please?” “Would you mind?” “Thank you”—little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life—and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.
those who have the least justification for a feeling of achievement bolster up their egos by a show of tumult and conceit which is truly nauseating.
Principle 6 Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
Part Three: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Chapter 1: You Can’t Win an Argument
How much better it would have been had I not become argumentative.
there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument—and that is to avoid it.
Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.
A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still.
As wise old Ben Franklin used to say: If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.
some suggestions are made on how to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:
Welcome the Disagreement.
Remember the slogan, “When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.”
Distrust Your First Instinctive Impression.
Control Your Temper.
Give your opponents a chance to talk.
Look For Areas of Agreement.
Apologize for your mistakes.
Promise to Think Over Your Opponents’ Ideas and Study Them Carefully.
Your opponents may be right.
Thank Your Opponents Sincerely for their Interest.
Postpone Action to Give Both Sides Time to Think Through the Problem.
Opera tenor Jan Peerce, after he was married nearly fifty years, once said: “My wife and I made a pact a long time ago, and we’ve kept it no matter how angry we’ve grown with each other. When one yells, the other should listen—because when two people yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations.”
Principle 1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Chapter 2: A Sure Way of Making Enemies – and How to Avoid It
If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.
Alexander Pope: “Men must be taught as if you taught them not And things unknown proposed as things forgot.”
You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.
It is from James Harvey Robinson’s enlightening book The Mind in the Making.
We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts. We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem, which is threatened… The little word “my” is the most important one in human affairs, and properly to reckon with it is the beginning of wisdom.
The result is that most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do.
Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.
“I made it a rule,” said Franklin, “to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiment of others, and all positive assertion of my own, I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as ‘certainly,’ ‘undoubtedly,’ etc., and I adopted, instead of them, ‘I conceive,’ ‘I apprehend,’ or ‘I imagine’ a thing to be so or so, or ‘it so appears to me at present.’
Dr. King replied, “I judge people by their own principles—not by my own.”
Principle 2 Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
Chapter 3: If You’re Wrong, Admit It
That policeman, being human, wanted a feeling of importance; so when I began to condemn myself, the only way he could nourish his self-esteem was to take the magnanimous attitude of showing mercy.
I admitted that he was absolutely right and I was absolutely wrong; I admitted it quickly, openly, and with enthusiasm.
Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes—and most fools do—but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.
If Lee had wanted to blame the disastrous failure of Pickett’s charge on someone else, he could have found a score of alibis.
But Lee was far too noble to blame others.
“All this has been my fault,” he confessed. “I and I alone have lost this battle.”
When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong—and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves—let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.
Principle 3 If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Chapter 4: A Drop of Honey
back in 1915, Rockefeller
one of the bloodiest strikes in the history of American industry had been shocking the state for two terrible years.
Rockefeller wanted to win the strikers to his way of thinking. And he did it.
Rockefeller addressed the representatives of the strikers. This speech, in its entirety, is a masterpiece.
Note how it fairly glows with friendliness.
His speech was radiant with such phrases as I am proud to be here, having visited your homes, met many of your wives and children, we meet here not as strangers, but as friends…
it is only by your courtesy that I am here, for I am not so fortunate as to be either one or the other; and yet I feel that I am intimately associated with you men,
Suppose that, by all the rules of logic, he had proved that they were wrong. What would have happened? More anger would have been stirred up,
It is an old and true maxim that “a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”
So with men, if you would win a man to you cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.
Principle 4 Begin in a friendly way.
Chapter 5: The Secret of Socrates
In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing—and keep on emphasizing—the things on which you agree.
Get the other person saying, “Yes, yes” at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No.”
It is like the movement of a billiard ball. Propel in one direction, and it takes some force to deflect it; far more force to send it back in the opposite direction.
the more “Yeses” we can, at the very outset, induce, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.
Socrates, “the gadfly of Athens,”
sharply changed the whole course of human thought;
His method? Did he tell people they were wrong? Oh, no, not Socrates. He was far too adroit for that. His whole technique, now called the “Socratic method,” was based upon getting a “yes, yes” response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.
Principle 5 Get the other person saying, “yes, yes” immediately.
Chapter 6: The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints
Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions.
If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t.
So listen patiently and with an open mind.
La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher, said: “If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.”
Because when our friends excel us, they feel important, but when we excel them, they—or at least some of them—will feel inferior and envious.
Principle 6 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Chapter 7: How to Get Cooperation
Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter?
Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions—and let the other person think out the conclusion?
No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas.
Lao-tse, a Chinese sage, said
“The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them, wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.”
Principle 7 Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Chapter 8: A Formula that Will Work Wonders for You
Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.
There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason—and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.
Seeing things through another person’s eyes may ease tensions when personal problems become overwhelming.
before asking anyone
why not pause and close your eyes and try to think the whole thing through from another person’s point of view? Ask yourself: “Why should he or she want to do it?”
Principle 8 Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Chapter 9: What Everybody Wants
“I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.” An answer like that will soften the most cantankerous old cuss alive.
Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
Principle 9 Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
Chapter 10: An Appeal that Everybody Likes
all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation.
J. Pierpont Morgan observed, in one of his analytical interludes, that a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.
So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.
When John D. Rockefeller, Jr., wished to stop newspaper photographers from snapping pictures of his children, he too appealed to the nobler motives. He didn’t, say: “I don’t want their pictures published.” No, he appealed to the desire, deep in all of us, to refrain from harming children. He said: “You know how it is, boys. You’ve got children yourselves, some of you. And you know it’s not good for youngsters to get too much publicity.”
Principle 10 Appeal to the nobler motives.
Chapter 11: The Movies Do It. TV Does It? Why Don’t You Do It?
The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.
the power of dramatization.
You can dramatize your ideas in business or in any other aspect of your life. It’s easy.
Principle 11 Dramatize your ideas.
Chapter 12: When Nothing Else Works, Try This
“The way to get things done,” say Schwab, “is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.”
“All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory”
the motto of the King’s Guard in ancient Greece.
That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.
Principle 12 Throw down a challenge.
Part Four: Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
Chapter 1: If You Must Find Fault, This is the Way to Begin
It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
A barber lathers a man before he shaves him;
Principle 1 Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Chapter 2: How to Criticize and Not be Hated for It
Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement.
“We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder
Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word “but.” He might then question the sincerity of the original praise.
changing the word “but” to “and.”
“We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term,
Now, Johnnie would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure.
Principle 2 Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Chapter 3: Talk About Your Own Mistakes First
It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
Admitting one’s own mistakes—even when one hasn’t corrected them—can help convince somebody to change his behavior.
Principle 3 Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Chapter 4: No One Likes to Take Orders
Owen D. Young
He always gave suggestions, not orders.
“You might consider this,” or “Do you think that would work?”
“What do you think of this?”
He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves;
he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them; let them learn from their mistakes.
A technique like that saves a person’s pride and gives him or her a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.
Principle 4 Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Chapter 5: Let the Other Person Save Face
Letting one save face! How important, how vitally important that is!
a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting!
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote: “I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”
Principle 5 Let the other person save face.
Chapter 6: How to Spur People on to Success
Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.
the psychologist Jess Lair comments: “Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.”
Use of praise instead of criticism
Let me repeat: The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.
Principle 6 Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Chapter 7: Give a Dog a Good Name
if you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.
Shakespeare said “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.”
And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop.
Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
There is an old saying: “Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him.” But give him a good name—and see what happens!
Principle 7 Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Chapter 8: Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct
The first teacher had discouraged me by emphasizing my mistakes. This new teacher did the opposite. She kept praising the things I did right and minimizing my errors.
Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique—be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it—and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.
Principle 8 Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Chapter 9: Making People Glad to Do What You Want
You see the intimation? House practically told Bryan that he was too important for the job—and Bryan was satisfied.
Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
This technique of giving titles and authority worked for Napoleon and it will work for you.
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver.
2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants.
4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.
Principle 9 Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.